Wednesday, July 16, 2014

My classmates presentations and comparisons

I spent a great deal of time today trying not to compare myself to others. This morning, each student "sound-painted" a composition which the rest of us improvised.  Some sound painters were competent and it was easy to improvise in the manner indicated. Some were less comfortable with the gestures, and the product was confusing and awkward, both to the participant and the listeners.  A couple were brilliant, coming up with ideas in the moment and bringing the sounds they imagined into the piece.  The clock ran out before I had to get up and take my turn.  I was relieved,  because at that point I was just a few inches from blubbering. I thought it was because I really dislike sound painting, but at the root of the dislike is fear that I will do it badly.  Evidently, I don't like doing anything badly, whether it is a process or a product.  When put in that pressure cooker of performance, I would prefer to have my "act" polished and ready.  

The "place" videos this afternoon were so cool to watch; but while I know what my learning was in producing my video, I think my product fell flat in comparison with others. I was proud of it on Saturday when I got it "finished" (at least put in as much time as I could give to that one assignment), but today I felt it didn't hold a candle to the rest.  I know we all start at different places, I know we are all originals, I know I am learning.  But my ego really needs to get the heck out of my way.  

This sort of learning is extremely hard work, and I am trying to be gentle with myself.  I am not beating myself up because I am not as good as _________, but because that insistent little internal voice will never let up, and I still have not learned to manage it.  

I'm sure this is related to how my learning ecology should be designed, but I think educators have been chewing on this one for centuries.  



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